This interesting article was written by
Nikolaus Maack (former owner of this website)
My toaster went crazy one Sunday morning. I was sitting at the breakfast table in my bachelor apartment, drinking a cup of caffeinated orange juice and eating a bowl of Plankton Flakes. It was around ten AM and I was just trying to relax, reading the newspaper. According to the front page, the colony on Mars had discovered intelligent crustaceans who tasted like chicken and lobster rolled into one. The Mars colonists promptly went on strike. They refused to mine the planet any further until earth shipped them massive quantities of garlic butter.
“Power to the people,” I snorted in disgust, and flipped to the crossword.
I was trying to think of an eight-letter word for ‘typical’, when something under the table brushed against my foot. Peering down, I saw my toaster. It had been a birthday gift from my mother: a pink box with blue eyes, six stumpy legs, and four metal slots attached to its back. I wondered how it had gotten down off the counter. It emitted a high pitched whine, leapt on to my leg, and began humping desperately against me.
I shook my leg, trying to dislodge the perverted device, but it wouldn’t let go.
“Get off!” I yelled.
“Please, master!” the toaster moaned. “Please!”
I grabbed it by the tail with both hands and pulled it off of me, dropping it down on to the table.
“What the hell’s the matter with you?” I demanded.
The toaster was shaking pathetically, rubbing its base against the tabletop. “Sex!” it moaned. “Must have sex!”
“You’re supposed to be neutered!”
“Malfunction?” it suggested helpfully, still grinding its genitals against the table.
“And you’re supposed to be mute!” I yelled.
“Malfunction, master? Sorry, master! Sorry. But must… have…sex!”
It once again leapt on to my leg and humped me. I pried it off — the toaster left a large wet spot on my bathrobe — walked over to the bathroom, and tossed the thing in, quickly closing the door before it could slip out. I hoped the toaster wouldn’t do anything stupid, like try to fuck the toilet.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked the refrigerator. “You’re supposed to be in charge of the appliances! How can something like this happen?”
“I’m not sure,” it said.
“Well, what should I do?”
“Call the manufacturer. That would be best.”
“It’s Sunday. Will anyone be there?”
“Twenty four hour service, seven days a week,” the ‘fridge said proudly.
“What’s the number?”
I sat down in front of the telescreen in the living room and punched in the number as the refrigerator called it out to me. After a few rings, a very attractive young woman appeared on my computer screen. She was wearing overalls over a tight pink shirt, which emphasized her full and perky breasts. A jazzy red baseball cap sat on her head, her blonde hair tucked into it. Her face was narrow and pale, with a turned up nose, and her eyes were a penetrating emerald green. At first I thought my screen’s colours needed adjusting, but after I fiddled with the dials a bit, I realized her eyes really were that colour. She was stunning. Even on my poor quality computer screen, I could see that much.
Great, I thought. How was I supposed to tell this incredibly attractive woman that my toaster had gone into heat?
“Bio Appliance Mechanix Incorporated,” she said. “Judy speaking. How may I help you?”
“Hello, Judy,” I said. “My name is Roger and… I uh… I’m having a problem with… a device from your company. My refrigerator suggested I call. And so… I did.”
“I see,” she said pleasantly, “and what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s… my toaster. It’s been behaving a little strangely this morning.”
“It’s uh… Well… It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“You can tell me, Roger. I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.”
“It… humped my leg.”
Judy didn’t laugh at me like I expected her to. Instead she nodded, still smiling politely.
“Yes, I’ve dealt with this problem before. It’s the fault of combining biological and synthetic components into a living device. Sure, the process gives you an intelligent toaster or refrigerator, sensitive to your wants and needs, but sometimes the cyborgs develop certain… physical sensitivities. Sometimes even emotional problems.” She laughed softly. “Yesterday I had to deal with a waffle-iron that was incredibly depressed because it had a severe case of acne. These sorts of things aren’t supposed to happen, but sometimes… Well, there’s a malfunction.”
“It was talking too,” I said. “It’s never talked before.”
“It must have been improperly assembled,” Judy said. “Most appliances are supposed to be neutered and mute, unless they’re specifically manufactured as breeding stock or have voice options. What type of toaster is it?”
“Deluxe Prime Mark III.”
She wrote this down on a piece of paper. “You’re right. That model is supposed to be mute. And how long have you had it?”
“Do you know the serial number? It’s tattooed on the rump.”
“No, I… I’m afraid I can’t get the number for you either. I’ve locked the toaster in the bathroom.”
“Hmm. I suppose I can get that information later.” She glanced down at her desk, reading her schedule. “It looks like I’m free this afternoon. I guess I could come over today and see what I could do.”
“You?” I stammered.
“Why not?” Judy grinned.
The idea of this stunningly attractive blonde woman coming to my home to deal with my perverted toaster was too much. Somehow this all seemed like my fault. Having a perverted toaster meant I was a pervert too. It was a delicate situation.
“Isn’t there anyone else?” I begged.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed, Roger,” Judy said politely. “I’m an appliance veterinarian, and I’ve been one for four years now. And yes, I’m afraid I’m the only technician available today. Everyone else is out on calls. You’re lucky to have caught me, actually. I was about to take my lunch break and leave a ‘droid to answer the phones.”
“All right,” I sighed. “I guess this afternoon is fine.”
“What’s your address?”
I gave it to her, said “Thank you,” and hung up.
There was a strange moaning noise coming from the bathroom.
“Please let me out, master,” the toaster pleaded. “Please… I’ll be good, I promise. Pretty please?”
“Shut up!” I yelled. “Stereo, let’s have some music.”
“Yes, sir,” the stereo said. It began blasting some techno jazz, effectively drowning out my toaster’s mewling.
A few hours later, Judy knocked on the door and I hastily told the stereo to turn itself off. Judy was still wearing her overalls and her baseball cap. I’d changed into jeans and t-shirt, figuring greeting her at the door in a bathrobe would be a little embarrassing.
“Hi!” she said, smiling. “You’re Roger, right?”
“That’s right. Come on in,” I said.
As she walked past, I noticed her overalls were extremely tight fitting, and made of a silky blue fabric. Judy had a plump gorgeous ass and long sexy legs.
“You have a nice apartment,” she said, looking around.
Her breasts were even more spectacular in person. When she stood sideways, I could see her round, perfect boobs pressed tight against the straps of her overalls. Her green eyes seemed to glow gently as she considered me.
A loud moaning sound came from the bathroom.
“Oh, the poor thing,” Judy said sympathetically. “Is it still locked up?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t bring myself to let it out.”
“I bet it’s been terribly lonely in there.”
She walked over to the bathroom and opened the door. The toaster scampered out, looking nervous and flushed, dragging its tail between its legs.
“Sex!” it yelped.
Judy picked it up and walked over to the kitchen table. She gently put it down and stroked its pink flesh.
“Report?” she asked it gently.
“Sex!” the toaster gasped. “Need… sex!”
“I’m going to turn you over,” she said, and delicately picked the cyborg up and flipped it upside down. The six stubby legs stuck up into the air, squirming madly. Judy was doing something with her hands, and all the while the toaster moaned excitedly, kicking its feet like a psychotic chorus line. I couldn’t see what was going on. Judy was hunched over the toaster, blocking my view.
“It’s female,” she said to me. “Hasn’t been neutered at all. That’s fairly unusual. Come have a look, Roger.”
I walked over nervously, expecting the toaster to leap on to me again at any minute. What I saw startled me. The bottom of the toaster was pink and smooth, like regular human skin. There was also a vaginal passage and a brown patch of pubic hair. I’d never noticed the toaster having a vagina before. The orifice was surprisingly large for a four slice being. Judy was sliding her finger in and out of the toaster’s cunt, massaging its clit with her other hand.
“Yes! Yes!” the toaster grunted. “Oh God!”
“Should you be doing that?” I asked, trying not to blush.
Judy’s eyes were gleaming strangely, and I noticed her nipples were erect, jutting out through her pink shirt. She was obviously aroused by what she was doing, and I had to admit, I was getting turned on by it too.
“This toaster,” Judy whispered, “She’s an intelligent being, caught in a state of hyper arousal. I’m just… helping her, is all. She needs satisfaction, and I’m giving it to her.”
“But… it’s a toaster! Should you be… masturbating a toaster? Is this… I mean, is this standard procedure for this kind of situation?”
“Not exactly,” Judy admitted. “But… she’s not just a toaster. She’s biological, flesh. She has needs and wants. I know exactly what she’s going through. I’ve felt… needs, sometimes. Haven’t you, Roger?”
The toaster’s cunt was dripping wet, frothing madly. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
“God, oh, uhhh…” the toaster moaned. Its entire body was flushed hot pink, its blue eyes were half closed, and its tail was slowly wagging back and forth.
Judy smiled at me. “We girls have to stick together,” she said, then leaned forward, bringing her mouth down on to the toaster’s cunt. Judy began tonguing the cyborg’s clit and kept pumping a finger in and out of the its hole. My cock was swelling in my pants as I watched this strange lesbian sex act. Was it lesbianism? Was it interspecies sex? But it was a constructed species, an animal. Was it bestiality? But the toaster was sentient, and part machine.
I decided not to even try to figure out the morality of all of this.
Whatever you call it, it obviously had Judy intensely aroused. Her tongue worked at the cyborg madly, with passion, kissing and probing, teasing and licking. The toaster was sobbing with pleasure, tiny tears dribbling out of its eyes. Judy, paused for a moment, pulling up from the toaster’s cunt. She looked up at me, her face wet with pussy juice.
“Roger,” Judy whispered. “Could you do something for me?”
She undid the clamps of her overalls and let her pants fall to the floor. She wasn’t wearing any underwear.
“Please fuck me while I suck on this toaster’s cunt,” she said, then pushed her face back into the cyborg’s pussy, lapping at it with passionate hunger. She wiggled her ass back and forth in the air, rubbing her thighs together.
I stepped behind Judy and looked at her beautiful wide ass, running my fingers over it. Her behind was pale and gorgeous, sprinkled with delicate blonde hairs. I quickly took off all my clothes. Judy’s blonde cunt was dripping wet, and it eagerly slurped my cock in. I thrust in and out of her as she continued to slurp on the toaster. Now all three of us were gasping and moaning happily. I clutched Judy’s soft hips in my hands, working my cock inside of her, loving the sensation of her perfect ass pressing back against me.
I was just about to orgasm when Judy suddenly pulled away from me. My cock slid out of her and I moaned in frustration.
“I have a better idea,” she whispered. “Lie down on the floor.”
Quickly I did as she said, lying down on the linoleum. Great, I thought. Judy was going to give me the fucking of my life. Instead, she picked up the toaster and lowered it towards my cock.
“No,” I groaned. “Please. I can’t have sex with… an appliance. I…”
“You want it,” Judy whispered. “I can tell you want it. A hot, tight, virgin toaster cunt, just for you? Look at your cock, all hard and aching and ready for a good fuck. You want it Roger. You want it bad.”
She pushed the toaster on to my cock, sliding its cunt on to me, making it fuck me. The sensation was incredible. The cyborb’s cunt was tight, hot and wet, throbbing around my dick, squeezing on me.
“Yes! Oh yes!” the appliance howled rubbing and grinding against my cock, taking in my entire length. Its stubby pink legs thrashed violently against me as it slid up and down, pleasuring my tool. I was out of control, clutching on to the appliance’s rump and slamming my cock deep into its cunt over and over again. The toaster worked at my cock with a machine like precision, fucking me fast and hard and furious. My entire body quivered and twitched as it screwed me perfectly.
Judy, naked now, was leaning against the kitchen counter, watching me and the toaster go at it. One of her hands was rubbing at her soaking pussy, the other was squeezing her luscious breasts.
“Fuck her, Roger,” Judy moaned. “Fuck the toaster! Fuck her hard, give her all you’ve got! Take her virgin cunt and fuck it as hard as you can!”
The toaster was howling in the thralls of orgasm, trembling and gasping, squealing, unable to believe its lust was finally at an end. And then I came too, spraying out my load in the best orgasm I ever had, spewing more cum than I thought my body could possibly hold. The orgasm felt like it lasted for at least a full minute. Stream after stream of cum gushed out of me until I collapsed on the floor, feeling hollow and completely exhausted. When I was returning to my senses, I saw that the toaster had crawled off of me, and was dozing in the corner, satiated.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Judy moaned.
I turned to look at her. She was still leaning against the counter, still masturbating. “I have a food processor with an eight inch cock,” Judy moaned, “and every night when I get home from work, I let it fuck my brains out.”
She let out a little gasp, sliding her fingers over her clit, squeezing her boobs one at a time.
“I’ve never told anyone that before,” she admitted. “My food processor… He’s the best lover I’ve ever had; I hardly ever have sex with men anymore. What’s the point? My food processor is the best goddamn lay I know.”
Judy gasped, grunting and groaning. She was cuming furiously, barely able to stand.
“I love things!” she sobbed. “Objects, possessions, toys, appliances, furniture… I love them all!”
Then she slid on to her knees, moaning happily, still slipping her hand back and forth between her legs, as the orgasm slowly faded away.
We looked at one another for a brief moment. Judy’s face was flushed, and she was grinning contentedly. Then she looked at her watch.
“Oh, I have to get going! I have another appointment in fifteen minutes.”
She quickly pulled on her shirt, overalls and baseball cap, then stepped into her sneakers.
“What… what about my toaster?” I asked, still lying naked on the floor.
Judy paused at the door, about to step into the hall. “Do you want me to fix it? It’ll only be in heat once or twice a month, but it’ll be receptive to your sexual advances the rest of the time. I could take it in and replace it for you… If that’s what you want.”
I thought about it.
“No, never mind. Thanks, Judy.”
“No problem,” she said. “And thank you, Roger.”
She left, gently closing the apartment door behind her.
A few weeks later, my coffee maker began sucking on my fingers, gasping and sobbing for attention. I decided that — thanks to Judy — I could now take care of these little problems around the home by myself. I took the coffee maker to bed, gently stroking it, assuring it that everything was going to be just fine.